*Takes the longest deep breath in the entire world* FUCK! I never thought in the six almost 7 years I've struggled with this that I would ever tell this story to an audience. I've told a handful of people I trust, but I don't think anyone knows the full story. This is really the last step in my healing process. Since I've come forward as a victim of sexual assault, other women have felt comfortable telling me their stories, and someone has even said they were also assaulted by the man who assaulted me. Today I'm going to tell my story, touch on the hypocrisy of female vs male sexuality in society, and how contraceptives play a role. LET'S GOOOO.
It was a hot day in 2010. I was 16 years old and heading to Van's Warped Tour. I remember every single aspect of this day. I remember I was wearing a sundress. I remember I was with three friends. I remember the car ride. I remember the smell of the air. And most of all, I remember being really excited to see this friend. I'll call him Asshole for the sake of the story. I don't feel 7 years later is an appropriate time to expose his ass, though I would really love to.
I have a family friend who used to get me into this festival for free every year. That year, for some reason there was an issue with my list spot. Luckily, I had my good friend Asshole on the tour to help me out. He handed me a pass on a lanyard through the side of a gate and everything was cool. He had to do some work stuff so I did my own thing for awhile. I think it's important to note that this dude was a good 10 years older than me. We had met when I interviewed the band he worked for, and our friendship was always completely platonic. Even if it wasn't, the age difference should have been enough for a rational adult to say "lmao no way this is a teenager!"
Asshole hit me with a text asking if I wanted to go on the bus to catch up because we hadn't seen each other in months. At the time I was dating my ex, who also happened to be at that festival. We'll get to that fucker in a minute. I hadn't told Asshole about it, and I was excited to give him this big life update. We got on the bus & he asked to go in the back lounge because the band he was on tour with was in the front lounge. I knew them well, and they were great guys. When we settled into the back lounge, he was sitting across from me. Everything was completely normal. We talked about normal friend things. Suddenly, I was completely blindsided by him getting on top of me & kissing me. I freaked out, pulled away, but he wouldn't stop. He pulled my dress up and I was wearing shorts under it. He pulled my shorts & underwear down, and proceeded to insert 2 fingers inside me. At this point, I was frozen. I had asked him to stop. I think all that came out of my mouth was the word no. When you're in a traumatic situation, your body doesn't know how to react. I wanted to scream but I physically couldn't. There were great people who could have helped me but we were separated by a door and I couldn't make a sound loud enough for them to hear. He pulled his fingers out of me and got off of me for a second to unbuckle his pants. I knew this was my only time to act, if I didn't I would be raped. I got off the couch like thing we were laying on (I have no idea the technical term for it) and made a fucking run for it. I couldn't figure out how to get the door to open. I was panicking. He yelled at me "Where are you going? What are you doing?" All I remember saying was "Don't ever touch or talk to me again" and running off the bus, past the people who knew me well, with my shorts around my fucking ankles.
He didn't follow me off the bus. I pulled up my shorts, and ran full speed to the gate that separated the bus area from the rest of the festival. I remember sobbing hysterically by myself. I couldn't find my friends. No one was answering their phones. When I finally saw them, I couldn't mutter the words. Everyone could tell something was up but no one knew. I cried the whole car ride home.
A few months later, I had been with my ex for a few months. We had gotten to the point where making out was evolving into more than that. We used to go fool around in the back of his moms car in a church parking lot (always have been a good Christian girl!). One night, he kept trying to finger me. I kept pushing his hand away. It was too soon, I was still processing what happened to me a few months prior. Without even thinking, I just told him what happened. At this point, I had no idea that I was sexually assaulted. I knew what happened was wrong, but I thought he was just making a move on me & I didn't react properly, because that's how women are socialized. My ex blamed me. Said I was a slut, that I was asking for it, that I had cheated on him, that I shouldn't have worn a dress. He proceeded to tell me, "if you love me, you'll let me touch you wherever I want." That night I let him finger me. The first time I had been touched since the incident. I cried the whole time, and for some reason he still got off on it.
It has been a long, hard road to recovery for me. To this day, I am still afraid of most men and most sexual situations. It wasn't until last year I finally became comfortable with the idea of being intimate with a man again. I stayed with my ex for four years when I shouldn't have, when I didn't love him anymore, because I was too afraid to have to tell someone new this story. To have to tell someone to tread lightly because I am damaged. To tell someone that I am a victim. We as women are told not to be sexual, if we are we're a slut. But we're also told that if we don't have sex we're a prude. We're expected to do whatever the man we're with wants to do. We're expected to be sexual but also pure. We're expected to do a whole lot of hypocritical shit. If a woman has causal sex, she's a whore. If a man has fucked a thousand girls he's a hero. If a woman is on birth control she's clearly having all kinds of sex, if a dude doesn't wear a condom he's cool as fuck. What the hell even is society's concept of sexuality? Especially when it comes to women. It's something I've struggled with for the last seven years.
Today I posted a status on Facebook about how my body was negatively reacting to the birth control I'm on. In response, a family member sent me a Facebook message saying maybe I should just keep my legs shut. I am not currently sexually active. I am on birth control to help with my acne & hormone imbalance. But who the fuck cares if i was sleeping around? Jesus Christ. Men want to screw women but also don't think women should have a sex life. I. Am. Baffled.
Birth control and abortion should not be a political issue. There is no reason birth control and abortion should be at the forefront of the Religious Right's agenda. An adult woman talking about her sexual assault or the birth control she's on should not be viewed as taboo. I am an open book because I am an advocate for women. The shit people throw at us regarding our bodies and our sexuality is absolutely insane. We struggle in ways men never have to worry about. It's rough being a woman. I'm sharing my story to give other women who are struggling something to relate to. I've been through it, and I can be there for you. We're in this together.
Thank you for reading my story. This was unbelievably hard for me to write.
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