My struggles are actually not just current issues, but life long issues. I have had depression and anxiety since I was a kid. The original form of my anxiety was caused by separation. Whether that be from my parents or house growing up. I couldn't do sleepovers or really leave my house for an extended period of time. I remember my first bouts of depression as a teenager. Everyone thought it was teenage angst. I was a cutter, and since then I've attempted suicide twice, the most recent attempt being three years ago, so this whole depression thing was a little more than teenage angst. As for my anxiety, it's a constant. There isn't a second of the day that I am not worrying about something. I have become an insane insomniac because my mind just won't shut off. Doing normal, everyday tasks are hard on me daily. My symptoms are so physical- mostly vomiting and stomach pains, but sometimes shortness of breath. I've fought my demons for almost 23 years, and I know they come and go. I have really good days, weeks, months, even years, where my depression isn't so bad (my anxiety is always terrible). Right now, I'm in the middle of a big depression spell. I am truly struggling, and I'm here to be really candid about it. Our society places such a stigma on mental health problems, and I'm here to tell you fuck the stigma, let's talk about our problems.
I have seasonal depression. My mood is always a thousand times worse in the winter when it rains. This year has consisted of heavy rain for Northern California, and it has definitely played a role in how I feel. December hit me like a ton of bricks. This was the first year I had depression around the holidays. I thought my pain would pass, but as January rolled around, then February, I fell deeper and deeper into these unshakable feelings of depression and anxiety. I have found myself feeling isolated and lonely. For the first time in my life, I feel I need constant attention from others. I've never been the type to crave male attention, but all I want right now is some form of male companionship- something I've truly been struggling with. I've never been "that girl" and it's annoying as shit!!! I also find myself relying so hard on my friends, to the point where I feel like I am smothering them, and I feel so bad. Again, out of character. I'm a very independent person, and my depression has never taken form like this. I am confused, and truly struggling to cope with these feelings.
Last month I decided enough was enough. I tried everything for my depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I go to the gym six days a week, I've played around with natural remedies, tried the yoga thing, the whole nine yards. Nothing was working. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, and was put on a handful of medication for my depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I'm going to be real honest, this was not what I wanted. I never wanted to be medicated for my issues, but it got to the point where I just couldn't hang anymore. I'm also not going to pretend this shit is helping. I am in a deep, deep hole. I know it takes awhile to see results, but daddy over here is STRUGGLING. I'm sticking with it, I'm determined to get better, but holy fuck this has been a shitty, shitty ride and I want OFF. I also think it's important to note I just started birth control that may or may not be putting my emotions through the ringer, but I think that's only a layer on top of my depression, anxiety, and insomnia cake.
I am not myself right now, even though depression and anxiety are so much apart of who I am. I don't know who I am without them. I just know that in the past, I have had a lot easier of a time processing and coping. Right now, I'm really in the middle of a bad storm. But what I can tell you is this, reaching out for help has been the most humbling and important thing I've done. Whether that be from my psychiatrist or my friends, being honest about my feelings has been the only helpful thing in this shitty time. If you are struggling, I am here for you. Please, please do not be afraid to reach out to me, someone close to you, or a professional. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Take care of yourself, be there for the people you love who are struggling, and don't be afraid to seek help if you need it. I'm really having a hard time, but I know I'll get through it. I have to keep reminding myself this shit is rocky for awhile, but it always gets better. Try to remember that too
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