It's Not About Bathrooms & You Know It

Let's be real, Republicans. You don't give a shit about bathrooms. This week the Trump administration rolled back Obama's trans protection bill. This bill made it possible for the trans community to use the bathroom or locker room of their gender identity, rather than their "biological" sex. This was especially important for trans youth in schools. This was federal protection for the trans community. But all y'all who said Trump wasn't going to fuck with the LGBT community will be shocked to hear Trump threw these protections out the window.

First of all, trans rights are human rights & human rights are a federal issue. Protection against gender discrimination falls under Title 9, & guess what sisters, TRANSGENDER HAS THE WORD GENDER IN THE TITLE & THEREFORE IS PROTECTED UNDER TITLE 9!! We will see a supreme court case against this which will hopefully side in our favor, but this is still dangerous. This idea that states have the right to decide what bathroom people can use is literally the most insane concept. Let's be real though, this isn't about bathrooms, this is about trans visibility. To put bathroom restrictions on the trans community, you're saying you don't want them to feel comfortable in public. You don't want to see them, you don't want to admit they exist. So you discriminate in an intimate way, you make them fear for their safety in a fucking bathroom. Y'all are COWARDS.

The truth is you have definitely peed next to a trans person in your lifetime. You survived. Most of you have seen Orange is the New Black I'm sure. Imagine Lavern Cox being forced to use the mens room. That is .... A WOMAN. To force her into a mens restroom because she was "born male" is dangerous. A woman  forced into a mens bathroom will result in violence. Maybe that's what y'all want though, I don't know.

Also love how Republicans base this law off of "protecting our daughters from men." Really y'all? The same party who is notoriously sympathetic towards rapist? Telling us constantly our sexual assault was invalid, what were we wearing? Were we drunk? Boys will be boys!! The party who forces women to carry babies they don't want? Makes getting birth control a pain in the ass? Wants to defund Planned Parenthood, an organization that provides exceptional female healthcare? The same party who believes women are second class citizens? Notorious for sexism? Suddenly you care about our daughters? The same generation you've raised to hate themselves, the same generation you've raised telling them they are too fat, too dumb, that it's a mans world? The same generation whom you attacked their female presidential candidate with blatant sexism? Teaching your daughters that sure a woman could TRY to be president but she won't succeed. She's too ugly, too emotional, too much of a woman. Suddenly you care, because it fits your anti LGBT agenda. I'm pissed.

Misery, Party of One

I just stress ate a bowl of cereal before sitting down to write this. Not really sure why. I don't like cereal, or eating at all really. I'm a huge mess right now. I know this isn't political, but this blog has been a very helpful vessel for me, so I thought I'd sit down and write about my current struggles.

My struggles are actually not just current issues, but life long issues. I have had depression and anxiety since I was a kid. The original form of my anxiety was caused by separation. Whether that be from my parents or house growing up. I couldn't do sleepovers or really leave my house for an extended period of time. I remember my first bouts of depression as a teenager. Everyone thought it was teenage angst. I was a cutter, and since then I've attempted suicide twice, the most recent attempt being three years ago, so this whole depression thing was a little more than teenage angst. As for my anxiety, it's a constant. There isn't a second of the day that I am not worrying about something. I have become an insane insomniac because my mind just won't shut off. Doing normal, everyday tasks are hard on me daily. My symptoms are so physical- mostly vomiting and stomach pains, but sometimes shortness of breath. I've fought my demons for almost 23 years, and I know they come and go. I have really good days, weeks, months, even years, where my depression isn't so bad (my anxiety is always terrible). Right now, I'm in the middle of a big depression spell. I am truly struggling, and I'm here to be really candid about it. Our society places such a stigma on mental health problems, and I'm here to tell you fuck the stigma, let's talk about our problems.

I have seasonal depression. My mood is always a thousand times worse in the winter when it rains. This year has consisted of heavy rain for Northern California, and it has definitely played a role in how I feel. December hit me like a ton of bricks. This was the first year I had depression around the holidays. I thought my pain would pass, but as January rolled around, then February, I fell deeper and deeper into these unshakable feelings of depression and anxiety. I have found myself feeling isolated and lonely. For the first time in my life, I feel I need constant attention from others. I've never been the type to crave male attention, but all I want right now is some form of male companionship- something I've truly been struggling with. I've never been "that girl" and it's annoying as shit!!! I also find myself relying so hard on my friends, to the point where I feel like I am smothering them, and I feel so bad. Again, out of character. I'm a very independent person, and my depression has never taken form like this. I am confused, and truly struggling to cope with these feelings.

Last month I decided enough was enough. I tried everything for my depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I go to the gym six days a week, I've played around with natural remedies, tried the yoga thing, the whole nine yards. Nothing was working. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist, and was put on a handful of medication for my depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I'm going to be real honest, this was not what I wanted. I never wanted to be medicated for my issues, but it got to the point where I just couldn't hang anymore. I'm also not going to pretend this shit is helping. I am in a deep, deep hole. I know it takes awhile to see results, but daddy over here is STRUGGLING. I'm sticking with it, I'm determined to get better, but holy fuck this has been a shitty, shitty ride and I want OFF. I also think it's important to note I just started birth control that may or may not be putting my emotions through the ringer, but I think that's only a layer on top of my depression, anxiety, and insomnia cake.

I am not myself right now, even though depression and anxiety are so much apart of who I am. I don't know who I am without them. I just know that in the past, I have had a lot easier of a time processing and coping. Right now, I'm really in the middle of a bad storm. But what I can tell you is this, reaching out for help has been the most humbling and important thing I've done. Whether that be from my psychiatrist or my friends, being honest about my feelings has been the only helpful thing in this shitty time. If you are struggling, I am here for you. Please, please do not be afraid to reach out to me, someone close to you, or a professional. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Take care of yourself, be there for the people you love who are struggling, and don't be afraid to seek help if you need it. I'm really having a hard time, but I know I'll get through it. I have to keep reminding myself this shit is rocky for awhile, but it always gets better. Try to remember that too

My Sexual Assault Story, Female Sexuality, And Why Contraceptives Shouldn't Be A Political Debate

*Takes the longest deep breath in the entire world* FUCK! I never thought in the six almost 7 years I've struggled with this that I would ever tell this story to an audience. I've told a handful of people I trust, but I don't think anyone knows the full story. This is really the last step in my healing process. Since I've come forward as a victim of sexual assault, other women have felt comfortable telling me their stories, and someone has even said they were also assaulted by the man who assaulted me. Today I'm going to tell my story, touch on the hypocrisy of female vs male sexuality in society, and how contraceptives play a role. LET'S GOOOO.

It was a hot day in 2010. I was 16 years old and heading to Van's Warped Tour. I remember every single aspect of this day. I remember I was wearing a sundress. I remember I was with three friends. I remember the car ride. I remember the smell of the air. And most of all, I remember being really excited to see this friend. I'll call him Asshole for the sake of the story. I don't feel 7 years later is an appropriate time to expose his ass, though I would really love to.

 I have a family friend who used to get me into this festival for free every year. That year, for some reason there was an issue with my list spot. Luckily, I had my good friend Asshole on the tour to help me out. He handed me a pass on a lanyard through the side of a gate and everything was cool. He had to do some work stuff so I did my own thing for awhile. I think it's important to note that this dude was a good 10 years older than me. We had met when I interviewed the band he worked for, and our friendship was always completely platonic. Even if it wasn't, the age difference should have been enough for a rational adult to say "lmao no way this is a teenager!"

Asshole hit me with a text asking if I wanted to go on the bus to catch up because we hadn't seen each other in months. At the time I was dating my ex, who also happened to be at that festival. We'll get to that fucker in a minute. I hadn't told Asshole about it, and I was excited to give him this big life update. We got on the bus & he asked to go in the back lounge because the band he was on tour with was in the front lounge. I knew them well, and they were great guys. When we settled into the back lounge, he was sitting across from me. Everything was completely normal. We talked about normal friend things. Suddenly, I was completely blindsided by him getting on top of me & kissing me. I freaked out, pulled away, but he wouldn't stop. He pulled my dress up and I was wearing shorts under it. He pulled my shorts & underwear down, and proceeded to insert 2 fingers inside me. At this point, I was frozen. I had asked him to stop. I think all that came out of my mouth was the word no. When you're in a traumatic situation, your body doesn't know how to react. I wanted to scream but I physically couldn't. There were great people who could have helped me but we were separated by a door and I couldn't make a sound loud enough for them to hear. He pulled his fingers out of me and got off of me for a second to unbuckle his pants. I knew this was my only time to act, if I didn't I would be raped. I got off the couch like thing we were laying on (I have no idea the technical term for it) and made a fucking run for it. I couldn't figure out how to get the door to open. I was panicking. He yelled at me "Where are you going? What are you doing?" All I remember saying was "Don't ever touch or talk to me again" and running off the bus, past the people who knew me well, with my shorts around my fucking ankles.

He didn't follow me off the bus. I pulled up my shorts, and ran full speed to the gate that separated the bus area from the rest of the festival. I remember sobbing hysterically by myself. I couldn't find my friends. No one was answering their phones. When I finally saw them, I couldn't mutter the words. Everyone could tell something was up but no one knew. I cried the whole car ride home.

A few months later, I had been with my ex for a few months. We had gotten to the point where making out was evolving into more than that. We used to go fool around in the back of his moms car in a church parking lot (always have been a good Christian girl!). One night, he kept trying to finger me. I kept pushing his hand away. It was too soon, I was still processing what happened to me a few months prior. Without even thinking, I just told him what happened. At this point, I had no idea that I was sexually assaulted. I knew what happened was wrong, but I thought he was just making a move on me & I didn't react properly, because that's how women are socialized. My ex blamed me. Said I was a slut, that I was asking for it, that I had cheated on him, that I shouldn't have worn a dress. He proceeded to tell me, "if you love me, you'll let me touch you wherever I want." That night I let him finger me. The first time I had been touched since the incident. I cried the whole time, and for some reason he still got off on it.

It has been a long, hard road to recovery for me. To this day, I am still afraid of most men and most sexual situations. It wasn't until last year I finally became comfortable with the idea of being intimate with a man again. I stayed with my ex for four years when I shouldn't have, when I didn't love him anymore, because I was too afraid to have to tell someone new this story. To have to tell someone to tread lightly because I am damaged. To tell someone that I am a victim. We as women are told not to be sexual, if we are we're a slut. But we're also told that if we don't have sex we're a prude. We're expected to do whatever the man we're with wants to do. We're expected to be sexual but also pure. We're expected to do a whole lot of hypocritical shit. If a woman has causal sex, she's a whore. If a man has fucked a thousand girls he's a hero. If a woman is on birth control she's clearly having all kinds of sex, if a dude doesn't wear a condom he's cool as fuck. What the hell even is society's concept of sexuality? Especially when it comes to women. It's something I've struggled with for the last seven years.

Today I posted a status on Facebook about how my body was negatively reacting to the birth control I'm on. In response, a family member sent me a Facebook message saying maybe I should just keep my legs shut. I am not currently sexually active. I am on birth control to help with my acne & hormone imbalance. But who the fuck cares if i was sleeping around? Jesus Christ. Men want to screw women but also don't think women should have a sex life. I. Am. Baffled.

Birth control and abortion should not be a political issue. There is no reason birth control and abortion should be at the forefront of the Religious Right's agenda. An adult woman talking about her sexual assault or the birth control she's on should not be viewed as taboo. I am an open book because I am an advocate for women. The shit people throw at us regarding our bodies and our sexuality is absolutely insane. We struggle in ways men never have to worry about. It's rough being a woman. I'm sharing my story to give other women who are struggling something to relate to. I've been through it, and I can be there for you. We're in this together.

Thank you for reading my story. This was unbelievably hard for me to write.

United States of the NRA

If you know me personally, I'm almost confident you are familiar with my disdain for the National Rifle Association (NRA). My name has become synonymous with the gun control movement. I have an unreal capacity for empathy, and every mass shooting has hit me like a ton of bricks. Those who know me (or have deleted me on Facebook for my views on guns) know every mass shooting affects me badly, and I have been a very vocal proponent for sensible gun legislation. My home state of California has been a leader for gun legislation, and I worship politicians like Chris Murphy who fight the good fight in Washington. I knew a Trump presidency paired with a Republican congress would be a nightmare for gun control, and a field day for the NRA. Though I knew we'd be fucked, I never imagined Republicans would stoop as low as to do what they did today. Because of the NRA & their lobbyists lining the pockets of Republican congress men and women, today they decided that mentally disabled people who can't handle their own finances can handle owning a gun, and that's a slap in the face to the victims of gun violence. Not just that, it's a huge risk to those who are suicidal. 

Mass shootings in America follow the same cycle every time they happen. We mourn the victims for a minute, think to ourselves "wow, we should really do something about this because we have mass shootings and literally every other Western country does not", do nothing, then act surprised when another one follows shortly. The Left blames the availability of guns, while the Right claims these people are mentally unwell. Guns don't shoot people, mentally unstable people shoot people!! The same rhetoric is thrown in our faces by the Right every damn time, and there is a good reason for it. The NRA is paying our congress men and women thousands of dollars per person to keep sensible gun legislation from passing, in order to keep guns in the hands of literally anyone, because profit over people always wins. That is why the Right are so anti-gun laws. Not because they care about your Second Amendment right, they absolutely couldn't careless. They are making an unreal amount of money from the gun lobby. They scare you with the idea that background checks and other sensible legislation will lead to your guns being taken from your precious Republican hands and in return, you buy into this hysteria that ups gun sales, putting money in the pocket of the NRA. 

The Right's go to for why mass shootings happen has always been that people are mentally unwell, and that's why they become mass murderers (which is not always the case). Today they decided that even if you cannot handle caring for your own finances, you can instead handle a gun. Virtually spitting on the graves of the victims of Sandy Hook and Aurora, whom the original legislation passed by Obama was inspired by. What will be their scapegoat for our inevitable next mass shooting now that they claim those who are mentally unwell (the only people who participate in mass shootings in their eyes) are actually suitable for gun ownership?

I'm not writing this to paint those with mental illness as being inherently violent. That is absolutely not the case. People who suffer from mental illness are not monsters. This new legislation sits at the intersection of multiple issues. Yes, mass shootings have been carried out by people suffering from mental illness. Yes, there is a chance people suffering from mental illness will probably participate in mass shootings even more now. But what about those who are suicidal? Or those who will purchase a gun not knowing how to properly operate it and kill or harm themselves or someone else? What about the people who are easily manipulated due to their mental illness, and get conned into purchasing a gun for someone who can't pass a background check on their own, leading to violence? This legislation is LAYERED, and every layer poses a new risk.

This is bullshit. This is dangerous. This is scary. So much has happened this week alone. From the Muslim Ban, to the SCOTUS nomination, to Betsy DeVos, I have had a lot on my mind. I wanted to write about all of these things, but when I woke up to this news I knew I had to write about it. Gun control is near & dear to my heart, and this is one of the scariest things Trump has done. Here's how we fix it. Vote the NRA ran politicians out of office. In two years, some of these seats will be up for reelection. Please vote them out. Vote for justice. We as Americans deserve to feel safe in our country. I am fearful every time I'm in public because of guns.

One last thing, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BLACK HOLE OF A HEART FOR ALL THE POSITIVE RESPONSES ON MY FIRST POST. Hot damn! Y'all made me feel so good. Thank you for sharing and commenting. Keep doing it if you want. Or don't, that's fine. I'll just cry about it.